Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

a fate I wish upon no one

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin