Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leonardo DiCaprisun

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

Had a spot of bother earlier.