Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
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Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.