Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
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Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
My birthstone is pecan pie.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
🤣😈🤣
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.