Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

😁

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta