ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
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@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.