Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
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peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Gas station lines at 2 am:
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Our lord and savoury.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out