Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.