ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
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don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
