ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
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Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Self-cleaning conscience
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Math at Halloween.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”