ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
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Going into Monday like
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.