ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
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5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Wise advice
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”