[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
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podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
No Google it does not
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Feel. He’s so soft.
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.