Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

Not😆🤣

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

Any refunds available?…

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?