@Angibangie

[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?

T A S M A N I A

-Oh shit we called the wrong devils

You Might Also Like

@WilliamAder

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

@joeljeffrey

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

@Love_bug1016

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

@TarzanFeathers

Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.

@david8hughes

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

@ProdigyNelson

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

“shit”

@ArfMeasures

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

@JohnLyonTweets

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.