How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
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My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.
Nine months if things go really wrong.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.