[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
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Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0