me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
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[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
