9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
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me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Life cycle of cat
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.