me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
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Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it