me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
You Might Also Like
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
good work, everybody
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment