Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

Body by cheese-puffs.

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

I feel attacked.

5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?

Me: Ye-

Husband: NO MORE BABIES.

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you