Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.