me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
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All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.