ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
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If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat