Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

“A little help here, Danny?”

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.