Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.