Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

Investing in beetcoin

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?