ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
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Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I can also cook 😂
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I only say stupid things when I talk.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none