Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“

Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

me and who

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.