Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close