me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
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boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
OH. COME. ON.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?