Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

sugar glider wrangler

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

what kind of cook setting is this??

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious