me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
You Might Also Like
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever