Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

*exercises sarcastically*

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

🤣✨#caturday

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish