Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.

In space, no one can hear…

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.