Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

dead inside

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

“Theirye’re” problem solved

Is….Is this an option?

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.