Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
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I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.