Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”
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Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
…..pretty much.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…