Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”
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Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
