Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
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I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
How can I say no to this ?
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
