Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
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My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
What fresh Hell is this?!?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
lmao
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube