Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
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gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.