Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.