@sonictyrant

Me: waiter, this crab is way too fresh

Crab *to my wife* damn girl I’d like to dip you in butter and put you on a roll

Woman at the next table: i’ll have what she’s having

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@UnFitz

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

@Shock_Monster

I think the guy in front of me is trying to resolve the world’s economic issues single handedly at this ATM.

@SteveSuckington

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

@NewDadNotes

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

@PinkCamoTO

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

@chrellsangel

DATE: It’s expensive here.

ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.

@GrumpyComments

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

@panmidwest

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

@ThaJawn

*puts Fitbit on Roomba

*eats crackers with no plate or napkin

@EndhooS

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.