If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me: waiter, this crab is way too fresh
Crab *to my wife* damn girl I’d like to dip you in butter and put you on a roll
Woman at the next table: i’ll have what she’s having
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I think the guy in front of me is trying to resolve the world’s economic issues single handedly at this ATM.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
DATE: It’s expensive here.
ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
*puts Fitbit on Roomba
*eats crackers with no plate or napkin
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.