It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Received some very disappointing news today
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.