Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

uh oh

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken