me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
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Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I’m ready for Halloween this year
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.