Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

The honesty is refreshing

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

her: let’s try roleplaying

me: can I be a hypochondriac?

her: you got it

me: *suddenly nervous* got what

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!

All set.

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!