ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
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If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.