Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
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Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?