Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
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“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
When they try to steal your moment.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I’m too immature for adultery.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!