Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
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My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.