Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
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I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Me if I was a dog
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
yall want some gasoline milk
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.