Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
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How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.