Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.