@UncleDuke1969

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

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@jergarl

Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.

She did NOT lol.

@Shenaniglenns

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

@dumbbeezie

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

@NinjaSweatpants

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

@EazeAli4

It wasnโ€™t no corona till yโ€™all started balancing brooms in the house, yโ€™all let the devil in