Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.
She did NOT lol.
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Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in