Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

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