Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
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me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
shampoo implies shampee
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.