Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
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Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
my dog when i have a friend over
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.