Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
You Might Also Like
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!