Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets