Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.