Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.