me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
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Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family