Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

lmao

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.