Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.