Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
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PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”