Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
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As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
Peace was never an option
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Put a ring on it
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I can fix him.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?