Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
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I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
This a good idea
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
A fake ID that makes you younger
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay