Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

May your day taste like creamy soup.

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS