Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

Real House Wines.

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?