Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.

1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]